Church of Universal Eclectic Wicca
Lessons from Athame's Edge online coven, 2002
by Lilith Runesdatter
March 13, 2002
First Cirle Paper (application to Athame's Edge Clan)--
The current event I have chosen to discuss in regards to the Five Points of Wiccan Belief is the relocation of a homeless camp in my hometown of Portland, OR. The camp, called Dignity Village by its approximately 75 inhabitants, had been located under the Fremont bridge in downtown Portland for the last several months, and was ordered to relocate by the city council by the end of August 2001. When the group could not agree on a location to move to, the city council directed them to move to a site about six miles away, near a composting facility and the Portland International Airport. The spot was initially criticized as being too far from homeless services such as the County Mental Health clinic & job-training programs, which are easily accessible from downtown Portland.
Point One: The Wiccan Rede
The city council ordered Dignity Village to relocate after complaints from neighbors and local businesses about the large gathering of homeless people, and because the site under towering freeway pillars was said to be unsafe. If the city council had used the Wiccan Rede as a guideline in their decision to move Dignity Village, they still would have ordered the relocation because of the claims that the site under the freeway was unsafe; however, they would have found a site closer to services which the homeless people rely upon, preferably near a bus line within the Fareless Square area downtown where everyone is allowed to ride the city bus free. The relocation undoubtably caused some mental and emotional distress to the camp inhabitants, but was warranted to protect them from possibly greater physical harm of living in an unsafe area not meant for human habitation. However, to reduce the mental and emotional distress, the new location should have been closer to the services that the homeless people have been relying upon to improve their circumstances.
Point Two: The Law of Return
If the city council had taken into account the Law of Return, again, they would have chosen a more reasonable site to relocate Dignity Village. Had they been concerned about the karmic return of inconsideration, high-handedness, and emotional distress they would be inflicting upon the inhabitants of Dignity Village by moving them to location removed from needed resources, they would have chosen a site closer in to those resources.
Point Three: The Ethic of Self-responsibility
Most people in Portland (including the city council) agree that the homeless people who make up Dignity Village are attempting to take charge of their own responsibilities and better their lives. They rejected living in homeless shelters due to what they view as arbitrary rules (such as not allowing married couples to sleep together, since the shelters for adults are unisex and the "family" shelters only take women & children), or because the shelters do not allow beloved pets. In organizing a homeless camp, keeping the area clean and free of garbage, enforcing civil behavior within the camp, and banding together as a community to assist one another, those of Dignity Village are taking responsibility for themselves as individuals and as a group. The city council, in relocating these people six miles from the resources they are using to better their circumstances, are firmly discouraging an ethic of self-responsibility. If the city council chose to promote the ethic of self-responsibility amongst themselves and the inhabitants of Dignity Village, they would reward the homeless for being accountable for their behavior as a community, not discourage them with distance from homeless aid resources.
Point Four: The Ethic of Constant Improvement
If the city council chose to promote the ethic of constant improvement amongst themselves and the inhabitants of Dignity Village, they would take steps to encourage and facilitate the homeless in using all resources available to rise out of homelessness and become tax-paying citizens. The city council could best do this by finding a location closer-in to downtown Portland for Dignity Village to relocate so they may use existing homeless aid programs, and rewarding them for making accomplishments beyond what most people would expect of the homeless, perhaps with extra assistance in jobs & housing.
Point Five: The Ethic of Attunement
If the city council had the ethic of attunement in mind when they made the decision to relocate Dignity Village, they would have done all they could to find a more convenient location for the homeless to live, since every improvement in the lives of the homeless would reflect as a small improvement to not only the local area, the morale of the Dignity Village inhabitants, and the admiration of Portland citizens, but it would also honor the Divine within each of themselves and within the homeless who are part of the citizenry that the city council is charged with aiding and protecting.
I have read and understand the Affirmation of Acknowledgement.
I chose to submit my paper to the Athame's Edge clan because I felt their clan description webpage was clear, concise, and witty without hindering a clear desire to pursue the knowledge of faith.
March 20, 2002
Lesson One--
Who am I?
I am a bundle of contradictory qualities that are somehow simultaneously true. There’s a verse of an Alanis Morrisette song that, the first time I heard it, I screamed out loud, "That’s ME!" It goes, "I'm free but I'm focused / I'm green but I'm wise / I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby / I'm sad but I'm laughing / I'm brave but I'm chicken shit / I'm sick but I'm pretty, baby." I’m a seeker who suspects all the answers I need are right inside me, if I can only figure out how to find them, and sometimes wonders if part of the way might be to stop looking so hard. I’m a mother who refuses to say goodbye to my maiden self, is carefully coming to terms with my warrior self, and can catch glimpses of what might be hints of the crone I could become. I am a cynical romantic who still loves everyone I ever fell in love with. I am a jack of many trades and a master of very few. I am a limit-pusher learning sensitivity, and a free spirit learning stability. I am one who does not wish to convince others, but rather inspire them to think. I am firm in my beliefs, as they are based on intense introspective examination as well as hard-won experience, but I always allow that new information may help redefine what I previously have learned. I am a person willing to consider that I don’t know as much as I think I know.
Sacred--
To me, a sacred thing is that which is inviolable and precious because it has aspects of the divine, and/or is blessed to the God/dess. I hold humor sacred, and believe nothing is too sacred to joke about as long as it’s done without malice. I believe play is sacred—that people are forgetting to play, and that people who misunderstand the concept of 'play' are hurting themselves and each other. I believe freedom of thought and expression are sacred rights, and that censorship is sacrilege. I cannot consider any physical, tangible thing as truly sacred (although many physical things are precious to me), because losing them would not have the tiniest fraction of impact on my life that losing humor, play, or freedom of thought and expression would. The only physical thing I can partly consider sacred would be the body, and only to the extent that it is the vehicle which carries the selfhood (e.g. once a person’s selfhood has left the vehicle, the vehicle becomes nothing more than a shell and is no longer sacred).
I cherish the things I have created, the items that loved ones have given me, the photographs of my family, the love notes I have saved from the past, and probably my most cherished inanimate possession is my grandmother’s 57-year-old cedar hope chest, but I cannot consider these things truly sacred—though I deeply respect that others may feel otherwise about their sacred items.
Moral--
Back in 1997, some friends & I were talking about the Ten Commandments and we jokingly said we should rewrite them. Strictly for whimsical and humorous reasons, I started to write commandments for myself (not for anyone else). I got 6 written before the silliness of it got to me, but I thought it might amuse someone if I included them:
(No offense meant!)
Thou shalt abide by the Wiccan Rede.
Thou shalt not have carnal knowledge of the under-aged, the untrustworthy, or thy lover’s wife.
Thou shalt not drink tequila.
Thou shalt not jump to conclusions.
Thou shalt trust thy gut instincts and intuition.
Thou shalt protect thyself foremost, for thou cannot do good for others when thyself is all fucked up.
Okay, back to being serious.
Ten things I believe are wrong--
Suicide: As the widow of a man who took his own life 9 years ago, I’ve thought about this one a fair amount. Suicide is the most narcissistic, damaging, cruel, cowardly, and vicious act a person can commit against the survivors s/he leaves behind. It is the ultimate avoidance of responsibility and self-accountability. You could almost say it’s the ultimate violation of the Rede, because it harms all who knew the person committing the act, and indirectly contributes to a disregard for the sacredness of life given by the Goddess and the God.
Exception: I live in the great state of Oregon, where we have legal physician-assisted suicide. The rules are extremely strict for a patient to qualify for a lethal-dose prescription: s/he must have been certified to have less than 6 months to live, to be of sound mind (not clinically depressed or not fully understanding what they are requesting), and to be in chronic debilitating pain that cannot be relieved with standard medical treatment. 2 independent MD’s must agree upon this certification. This "death with dignity" option is requested by about 40-50 people a year, and less than half of those who obtain lethal prescriptions actually use them to end their physical suffering. I believe this option must be available for those who feel it is right for them.
Murder: I define this as intentionally causing the death of another, or acting with such reckless disregard for safety that a death is caused. In other words, firing a gun into a building where people are known to be present and killing someone is murder, but firing a gun at a target range with clearly posted "keep out" signs and killing someone who unexpectedly ran out into the range as you fired is not murder. Murder is wrong on so many levels—it causes harm to the murder victim and the victim’s survivors; it imposes your will upon another; it shows a heinous disregard for the sacredness of life given by the Goddess and God.
Exception: The only exception I can think of for this would be a murder in self-defense or the defense of another…and I’m not sure that a defensive killing could technically be considered murder anyway.
Breaking an oath or promise: Trustworthiness, honor, and honesty are all aspects of the Wiccan Rede and the ethic of self-responsibility. When a person breaks an oath or promise, s/he sets a precedent of lacking these qualities, and harming self or others (even if in small ways). This is true whether the promise is to live up to the terms of a big business contract, or the promise to spend time with a child.
Exception: Breaking an oath or promise would be acceptable, or at least less wrong, if by doing so, a person prevents a greater harm that would almost certainly occur by keeping the promise.
Theft: Taking something that you do not have the right to take is wrong because a thief is cheating someone not just of the thing itself, or the money the owner paid for it. The thief is stealing time, which is truly priceless (no one can purchase more by any currency, and once lost it cannot be regained). The thief steals time because everything is purchased in time, either time spent earning money to buy things, or time invested in effort put forth. Also, by stealing, a thief is imposing his/her will upon the owner of whatever the thief stole.
Exception: The only exception I can think of for this would be a theft to protect the life or health of yourself or another when there is no better way to protect that life or health.
Lack of self-accountability: Those who lack self-accountability are like smokers who throw their cigarettes out of the car window to roll into the woods and start a forest fire—their actions might seem like nothing more than a small rudeness, or an insensitive but minor failing, but the consequences can impact countless lives for the worse. It’s wrong because it causes harm, imposes your will on others (even if only indirectly), and is completely self-serving.
Exception: The only exceptions I can think of are a person who (because of mental deficiency or illness) is incapable of comprehending self-accountability (and then, that person should be supervised by family or society), or a person who is ignorant of self-accountability due to upbringing (and then, that person should be educated and guided by those in authority or society).
Violation of another against their will: I didn’t call this "rape" because there are so many violations that are not technically rape but which I consider at least as wrong. Rape, disfigurement, invasive medical procedures without consent, abduction, extreme mental abuse which violates another’s mind, forcing another to commit an act which violates their spiritual or moral integrity—these are all violations of another which are wrong because they impose one person’s will over another’s and cause harm on several levels (physical, emotional, etc).
Exception: The only exception I can think of for this would be a violation to save the life or health of yourself or another when there is no better way to save that life or health. An exception to the exception would be if a person refused medical treatment due to long-held spiritual or moral beliefs, and is willing to die rather than accept the medical treatment; then they should be allowed to follow their conscience (but I do not believe this should be extended to a minor, or imposed on a minor by a parent’s belief).
Dishonesty: I didn’t say "lying" because I have to include not speaking the truth when you should (lies of omission) and hypocrisy in dishonesty. Being dishonest is flat-out refusal to be self-accountable, and it almost always causes harm to others. Also, when a person is successfully dishonest to another, it often causes the liar to develop feelings of contempt toward the person lied to, which can only cause further harm. Dishonesty can create further situations where harm may occur because a person being lied to is unaware that the liar is untrustworthy and liable to commit additional wrongs against them or others.
Exception: The only exception I can think of would be allowing "little white lies" of omission, such as not telling someone who adores her new haircut that you think it looks horrible, or not telling someone who enjoys dancing that he doesn’t have any rhythm. However, if they ask directly, I believe in telling them the truth (as you see it) as gently and tactfully as possible.
Intolerance: Intolerance for ways, traditions, ideas, or concepts which are different from your own that are not causing a clear and present danger is wrong because it often creates an atmosphere of hostility, and leads to actions that can cause harm to others. It’s also arrogant, self-serving, and belligerent to believe that it’s possible to know "the one true way" for those other than yourself. Intolerance is different from acceptance in that you can tolerate something without accepting, approving, or respecting it; but disrespecting another’s right to believe and live differently without clear proof that someone is being harmed goes beyond lack of acceptance, and is intolerance.
Exception: The obvious exception would be to save the life or health of yourself or another when there is no better way to protect that life or health.
Censorship: This is often a result of intolerance, but there are other causes as well. Censorship is wrong because it attempts to restrict or end another’s free will and expression, and it can cause harm to others. Some people mistakenly believe censorship is preventing another from knowing of a thing; the actual definition is that it is eliminating or suppressing the knowledge or expression of something after the fact. While free speech doesn’t entitle everyone to a forum, if a person has obtained a forum and expressed their views, it is wrong to then suppress or censor them without good cause.
Exception: The obvious exception would be if an expression is causing, or is likely to cause, harm (in the meaning of "clear and present danger"). The example people often use is that you don’t shout "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. Another exception would be that parents should always have the right to censor what their children are exposed to, within reason. Many parents protest every year when the local Gay Pride parade goes through town, because they wish to exert their right to censor that sight from their children, but it’s not reasonable to eliminate the parade when they can just as easily censor that sight from their children by keeping their kids out of the downtown area for that day.
Abuse of power or authority: Abuse of power is wrong, above and beyond whatever form the abuse itself takes, because being in a position of power or authority is a privilege and a sacred trust. To use a position of power in abusive ways not only imposes your will on others wrongly and often causes harm, but uses dishonesty (in the form of hypocrisy), dishonor, and mistrust to do so.
Exception: The only exception would be to save the life or health of yourself or another when there is no better way to protect that life or health.
True--
I don’t believe that anyone can positively say, "this is truth". Even things which we believe are natural laws, such as the law of gravity or magnetic polarity, are subject to change (scientists have evidence that gravity has not been constant on Earth during its entire existence, and the magnetic poles of the planet have changed in Earth’s past). New discoveries and advances always offer the opportunity to redefine truth, whether on individual or global levels. In some ways, I think truth is simply "that which I have firm faith will indefinitely remain as it is now"...but as a person grows and changes, so do their perceptions, including what they may perceive as truth.
Broader Thinking Question: Is there any act that is evil in and of itself? Is it evil if someone is socialized to believe it is good?
The dictionary says that evil is defined as "morally reprehensible" or "causing harm" but most cultures seem to put a greater emphasis on the concept of evil as being a force in and of itself, which gives the concept greater weight and influence. I used to think that sociopaths were evil, that the serial killers and despots of the world just had something within them (that many people termed "evil") which caused them to carry out terrible acts. But I wondered if there could be other possible reasons besides this imposing concept of "evil". My friend’s daughter was diagnosed with severe personality disorders, and the only reason she hasn’t been labeled a sociopath is due to her young age (she is currently 15). This child displayed antisocial and disruptive tendencies when she was only a year old, so I believe her nature is inborn and not learned. I do suspect that her upbringing has not effectively reduced or controlled her tendencies, though I haven’t seen any evidence that it could have prevented those tendencies. She will lie, steal, and lash out physically with no provocation. She harms animals and other people for her own amusement. She is so belligerent (seemingly with no cause) that she has been banned from entering every store in her hometown, and has been suspended from schools many times, yet she can be the most charming, affectionate, well-behaved young lady at other times. No amount or method of counseling or behavior modification has helped noticeably, and she hasn’t been put on medication because she doesn’t have the symptoms of schizophrenia or psychosis. It’s obvious she was born with some kind of sickness, and I believe that other sociopaths and many criminals are also very ill individuals. But I don’t think that makes them evil, although their destructive or criminal behavior cannot be tolerated. Society defines evil and good, and punishes or rewards appropriately (we hope!). But I don’t believe any thing, person, or act could ever be described as being entirely one way—such as evil. Just as no act can be destructive without some kind of creation, or creative without some kind of destruction, I don’t believe any act can be wholly good or evil. And since good and evil are terribly subjective terms, I don’t think that people can ever agree which acts should be labeled good or evil. A person can plainly see that building a mall in a pasture both creates a structure and destroys the natural space that was the pasture, and there’s really no way to argue that; but whether the mall itself is a good or evil thing is a subjective decision and is certainly arguable.
April 8, 2002
Lesson Two
1. The Wiccan Rede
Be honest
Practice self-awareness
Explore your dreams
Challenge yourself
Don't stress over what you can't change
Learn when saying "no" is the right thing
2. Law of Return
Give to respectable charities
Donate blood if you qualify
Let people into traffic when it's safe to do so
Really mean it *every* time you say "I love you"
Share with your loved ones
Criticize tactfully & constructively
Practice courtesy
3. Ethic of Self-Responsibility
Make few promises, and always keep them
Pay bills on time
Minimize your use of credit
Consider what your children (and/or friends) learn just from watching
you
Take the steps to safeguard your health
Support a political cause you believe in
Question what you see, hear, and read
4. Ethic of Constant Improvement
Smile
Learn a new word every day
Read for fun, you might learn something
Ask for help when you need it
Simplify & prioritize your life & choices
Take little chances until you're ready to take bigger ones
Listen to or create music
Take yourself less seriously
5. Ethic of Attunement
Hug someone with love
Walk in a windstorm
Play
Swim in the ocean or a river
"Adopt" an animal at a zoo or wildlife sanctuary, and visit it
Do something artistic: origami, pottery, needlepoint, fingerpainting
Recycle, and send good energy to the Earth each time you do it
Overall--
1. Seek out, strive for, and embrace honesty in your life: If you cannot be honest *with* yourself and *about* yourself, you simply cannot follow the Five Points at all, so I believe the first and most important way to live by the points is to be honest. That includes admitting to yourself those things you'd rather not think about (those things that you find negative within yourself), and surrounding yourself with people who do the same. Only then can you have the foundation for applying the points in your life.
2. Be curious and eager to learn: Decisions and choices made with inadequate information are rarely as positive and fruitful as those made with abundant information, even when a positive intention is equally present in both cases. Encouraging curiosity, and a desire to learn, within yourself *creates* opportunities to obtain more information, knowledge, and experience in order to use those to make better decisions.
3. Live moderately: Taking anything to an extreme is unhealthy. Over-focusing on any one thing creates imbalance and can lead to obsession.
4. Pay attention: Someone once said that this was the key to being a good lover, but I believe it's also the key to being a good friend, a good parent, or benefitting any other interpersonal relationship--as well as taking care of yourself, which includes improving your inner self.
5. Simplify & prioritize: Time, effort, and resources can all be used more efficiently when you stop doing/using extraneous things or methods, and decide what really matters. The time & resources you save can be directed toward activities that fall under the ethics of constant improvement & attunement, to improve your life & those around you.
6. Look before you leap: Stop to consider how your choices will impact your own life, others, and even the planet itself before you act automatically or on impulse. Doing things out of habit without ever thinking about it tends not to promote the Five Points.
7. Learn from mistakes: Review what didn't work, for others as well as yourself, and apply that knowledge to your future actions. Realize that doing the same thing over & over while expecting different results is futile and unhealthy.
8. Play: Take the time to simply do fun things as part of your emotional & spritual health, and spread the joy of the fun you have to others who may enjoy it as well. Playing & laughing helps lower your stress levels (which can improve your health), and makes you more productive for work. And playing helps develop your subconscious or inner child, which is important for magical working.
9. Make commitments: I don't believe that the points of self-responsibility, improvement, and attunement can really be lived
without at least one profound commitment to someone or something in your life. Whether it's to a spouse, a child, the military, a career (as opposed to a job), a social cause, or some other thing, I think that making a serious commitment to someone or something long-term is necessary to truly grow, improve, learn, and relate maturely.
10. Trust: Trust in yourself, in your dreams, in your loved ones, in your faith, in the belief that you matter.
11. Give the benefit of the doubt: Expect the best-case scenario even as you prepare for the worst-case scenario.
12. Live in the moment: Plan for the future, remember the lessons of the past, but truly experience the present and cherish it
for what it is.
13. Try the preposterous: Run with those wild & wacky dreams, ideas, or goals, and do at least one thing you've only daydreamed about because it seemed so uncharacteristic of you--bike across Europe, run for local office, adopt a puppy, learn to macrame, whatever!--as long as it meshes with the Five Points.
Broader Thinking Question: Have you ever done something that screamed out "Karmic warning!!!!"
Wow, do I have a lot of possibilities here to work with! Well, about 6 years ago, I ended a longterm live-in relationship and started a dating spree that lasted about a year. Even though I knew--in my gut as well as my brain--that it was selfish and wrong, I stuck my kids with their grandma, my ex, my roommate, or even friends of friends who I didn't personally know that well (I am so horrified now about that) on regular weekends (2 or 3 weekends a month) so I could go party with whichever boyfriend was available. The karmic warning came when I returned from a weekend away to find my front door open, my roommate who was supposed to be watching the kids gone for heaven only knows how long, and my 3 & 7 year old kids playing in the parking lot of my apartment complex without supervision....but I continued to have my weekends away for the next several months. During all this time, the kids were clingy & whiny, had occasional nightmares when they'd never had them before, and misbehaved much of the time that I *was* with them. Finally, after about 9 months of this, my mother asked me if I would consider giving her temporary custody of the kids "for a while", until I could get my life straightened out. I actually considered this seriously, thinking she meant a few weeks or a month--and thinking how nice it would be to have all that time to do as I pleased without arranging for someone to watch the kids. During our next conversation on the topic, she admitted that she'd meant "more like 6 or 9 months", and when I absolutely refused to discuss it anymore, she threatened to take me to court to get custody of the girls if I didn't make some changes to give them a stable, responsible family life again. I started making more of an effort to be a responsible mother and to go out less frequently, only to have my boyfriend of several months complain about how I was neglecting him, and he began to harp on the kids constantly to the point that they were always nervous around him and misbehaved even worse. He did the same thing to me, convincing me that I was inadequate as a mother & as a person, and that I was a bad girlfriend. Eventually the boyfriend explained (subtly and slowly over time) that if I wanted a commitment from him, I would have to let my mother take my children. Pretty much *that* was the karmic "bitch slap"--when I realized that I was not only hurting myself, but my girls and the three of us as a family, by ignoring my
responsibilities and letting others make my decisions for me. The boyfriend dumped me, and it took 2 or 3 years of re-building the trust with my girls to the point that they didn't freak out or misbehave when any part of our family routine didn't stay consistent.
May 16, 2002
Lesson Three
Lesson Three was a tough one for me, since the visualization didn't feel especially "friendly" to me. I've done a few different kinds of grounding visualizations in the past, and of course I have my favorites. But for the sake of the lesson, I tried it as it was written, and just interpreted a few things differently when the particular words felt uncomfortable or threatening to me. A few of those sections which particularly bothered me were "feel yourself falling," the whole section about the "cold taking over," and the idea of the bioluminescent creatures melting in. I had to think of those "creatures" as strictly non-biological energy forms in order to go anywhere near that whole idea! I mean, I'm comfortable with almost any creature on the planet that won't hurt me--and a few that might--but the idea of some unknown living creature melting into me just gives me the heebie jeebies.
As for the visualization experience itself, I mostly concentrated on staying physically relaxed, emotionally calm, and focusing on the images mainly in a visual sense rather than sensory, although the idea of being surrounded by earth was a comforting one so that was a pleasant sensory experience that I focused on a lot. (I really find weight upon me to be a wonderful sensation, probably because of the frequent times I stayed at my Grandma's house when I was a child; the guest bedroom was usually very cold and I had to pile heavy quilts on the bed to be warm. That physical sensation, or anything that reminds me of it, always evokes a cozy, serene, comforting, and loved mental/emotional feeling within me.) The visualization seemed to be terribly brief, I suppose because I'm used to in-depth attention on physical relaxation & centering/focusing at the beginning of a visualization. There didn't seem to be a great deal of transition from one idea to the next, and I found myself focusing so intently on the concepts (so as not to lose the thread of the visualization) that I actually stopped noticing things going on around me physically. My cat insinuated herself next to my body during the visualization, and I was surprised to find her there when I realigned my focus back to the "here & now." Because of my schedule, the only time I could really do this with the best chance of not being disturbed was an hour or so before my bedtime. Overall I felt grounded, calm, focused, and connected to the earth when I was done. It would have been a terrific state-of-mind for a task requiring attentiveness, but I was definitely not relaxed, so I also did my regular night visualization afterward.
I started doing visualizations when I was 7 or 8 years old. I'd heard somewhere that you can sleep better if you imagine a "golden glow" surrounding your body before you fall asleep, and I started doing that. It was incredibly comforting and it seemed to be sort of a "special" thing, that other kids probably didn't do (which was a very appealing idea). A few years later, I came across a cassette tape of my mother's, which had a guided visualization for de-stressing & relaxation (she was suffering ulcers at the time). It was very basic, just directing attention to each muscle group & body part with lots of calm, soothing messages to "relax...let go...feel the tension drain away," etc. I incorporated that into my sleep visualization, imagining the tension & negativity draining away as the golden glow of protection replaced it. I don't actually go through the whole visualization every night, but I practice centering & grounding frequently as a way to help stay focused & less frazzled with everyday living. I'd be glad to write out my sleep viz, if anyone is interested in reading it, or the "basic" (quickie) centering & grounding technique I use, as well.
June 13, 2002
Lesson Four
I know one of the suggestions for the water visualization is to use a recording of ocean waves if possible, but the first time I tried this visualization, I conked right out to sleep. You see, the sound of ocean waves is ever-present in my bedroom, and has been for years. From the time I was a teenager I played a cassette tape of ocean sounds to fall asleep to, but a few years ago I was given the gift of a noise machine which I keep set to ocean waves and I never turn off. So I associate the sound of ocean waves with a very few specific activities which occur in my bedroom--sleep, sex, and ritual. A visualization is not quite a ritual, rather more of an exercise, but nevertheless, when I had Fenris read the visualization the first time I tried it, I was asleep in minutes. Tonight things went much better, although not exactly as expected.
Part 1--
This time we tried it in the living room, without the ocean waves sound. As soon as I started visualizing being on the beach, I could "hear" the ocean waves anyway. The lapping of the waves at my feet, and slowly travelling up the rest of my body, was intensely sensual, as if the water was a lover seducing my being. The waves just didn't cooperate at all in gaining speed, they only made long, sweeping, leisurely crests across the ocean as they pushed my body further out from shore. I never did feel the sun beating down upon me, as the mist coming off the water and the constant sea breeze kept my skin cool and moist. The ocean cradled my body protectively, not quite like a mother and not quite like a lover, but something that was a bit of both. I sunk in gradually, as if the ocean was drawing me into itself, reclaiming part of its own with tenderness and delight. As I went further into the depths, the sea life caressed me...brightly colored fishes fluttering about my body, brushing their fins on my skin as if to sweep away my cares...a huge manta ray flitting up from the ocean floor to gently press against my back as if providing a cushion for me to lie upon, its body humming with energy...sea kelp twining in my hair and between my fingers and toes, adorning my body...swarms of tiny shrimp, perhaps krill, swirling against my skin all over. All the while I am amazed by the profusion of color, the ever-changing shimmer of the water surrounding me, the nearly sparkly quality of the sun coming through the water. After a time, these creatures all slowly disengaged and retreated, and the ocean currents swept me through the water toward the surface and the shore once again. With a final, gentle push, my body was nudged out of the water up onto the beach. And though I was removed once again from the ocean, the first cradle of life, I could tell that the energy and immensity of the ocean could never be removed from my self.
I hesitate to say that my water visualization went awry, because it really was quite lovely and enjoyable, and I believe it accomplished the general goals that were intended, but it didn't exactly follow the script.
Part 2--
The air visualization started off slightly oddly, as my extremities refused to go numb, but rather got all tingly. Not the sort of tingly that is uncomfortable like when you get the pins & needles feeling from losing circulation, but the sort of mildly vibrating tingly that I tend to associate with nervous energy. I was well grounded, but still thrumming with energy. When I went to "snap" the light threads away, they didn't snap but rather melted away into nothingness. It was really difficult to visualize the silver umbilical; it was as if my mind rejected it as sort of a leash or a restraining tie. I finally decided I would go on without worrying about whether or not it was really connected, since it didn't seem like part of myself anyway and perhaps it just wasn't meant to work for me. I fluttered up into the sky, swept around by the air currents of the wind, but the walls were soft and misty, and didn't impede my progress through the clouds whatsoever. I'm not sure that I connected to the energy stream, as I just seemed to swoop and glide and fly through clouds without any seeming direction. When the clouds rained through me, the thrumming energy in my body quieted and developed an airy quality. The force of the wind, rather than the energy stream, seemed to revitalize and renew my energy. My entire being seemed to become a thick misty precipitation, almost a living cloud. The stone circle part of the visualization just fell entirely flat; it seemed I was so caught up in the air and wind currents that every time I tried to reach out to the stone, the energy transmuted into lightening driving out of me toward the ground. The globe was not really globe-shaped, but more like an oval with moderately distinct outlines of my aura being expanded quite a ways away from my being. The seeming airyness of my being grew denser and less misty the closer I came to returning to my earth-bound form, and instead of the energy draining or disintegrating, it coalesced into my physical body, resembling a gust of wind pushing a wave of rain into a tree's leaves.
The air visualization definitely stepped a little ways from the script, although when I came "back" to a normal level of awareness, I definitely felt the sort of aliveness and energy that I've often felt when we have a windstorm in Oregon. The force of the air currents in the visualization reminded me quite strongly of the way my body & my spirit feel when I walk against the wind, and it's as if the wind pushes energy into me.
June 21, 2002
Lesson Five
The fire visualization was one I was really looking forward to. Although fire is not my strongest element, it often seems to be the "friendliest" in some ways. Perhaps it's because I tend to associate fire with passions of all kinds, and feeling things passionately has always been one of my strengths.
To get into the frame of mind for the beginning of the visualization, the "seething particles of black carbon," I had to really focus on my heartbeat and the flow of blood through my body. The warmth of blood flow is a strong fire association for me; long ago it was pointed out to me that living blood (within a body) encompasses the elements--air in the oxygen carried by blood cells, fire in the heat & life-giving properties of the blood, water in the plasma which makes up the majority of blood, and earth in the iron contained in blood. The visualization mentioned the beat of the heart and the pounding of the sun, so that all meshed nicely. The colors were pretty easy to focus on, and that was probably the strongest part of the visualization for me. At the forge, I could clearly hear the ringing of the sword's forging, as I've had the privilege of being able to watch firsthand a swordsmith working at his forge, and the sights, smells, sounds, and sensations are magnificent & unforgettable. When I took the sword and saw the fire being become the salamander, it was as if the being solidified from the inside out. My swinging the sword & his dodging the blows seemed to be moderately more involved than the written visualization would suggest, as if there was a profound communication within our respective movements, as if the exchange between us was like a conversation carried on within a dance. When I found myself at the temple, the woman who took the sword seemed to be a forge or fire goddess, tall and strong, wearing functional working garments and with her fiery blond hair tied back. When she took the sword and motioned for me to reach into the pool, I barely looked away from her but when I looked back, nothing was there but the sort of shimmer of heat waves over stone in the desert. When the gem (which I saw as an amethyst, large enough to hold comfortably in both hands) & I were pushed out into the darkness, it was if there was an electrical or magnetic force actually between the gem and my hands, pushing us apart despite the attunement of the gem and my living being. I could hold the amethyst but not grasp it tightly, as if the force kept it separate from my flesh for a reason. Finally the amethyst flew out of my hands, and it starburst just as I snapped back into my body, with a shimmer of icy-hot violet sparks.
It was very interesting, with less of a dreamlike or intangible quality than the other visualizations. Everything seemed very crisp, clear, sharply defined. I really liked the fact that I did the fire visualization just a few hours before the moment of the summer solstice! Knowing the solstice was close helped keep the whole "sun" imagery set solidly in my mind.
June 28, 2002
Lesson Six
I believe the five spiritual elements are still relevant because science cannot yet explain everything. While science can explain the components of any given thing through breaking it down to its basic elements of the periodic table, it cannot explain how those components come together above and beyond the sense of cohesion in the physical world to produce a meaningful, profound living creature. That is, science still has not been able to reproduce or create the force (which must, by its very existence in nature, be a natural force) that causes consciousness, awareness, the spirit, the chi, the will, and in humans (and perhaps other species yet unproved) sentience as a living thing. Science can only theorize as to the actual existence of this force, because while it is clearly more than electro-magnetic energy or the firing of neurons in the brain, no one has yet quantified and defined the soul. And since thus far, science has largely ignored the soul, examination and understanding of it is left to the philosophical and faith-oriented community.
The periodic table of elements can show how an egg is made of a certain amount of carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, and so on, but it cannot define or explain how that egg goes from being a cell incapable of being anything more, regardless of what stimuli it is exposed to *other* than fertilization, to having the potential to become a unique & separate individual after the egg is fertilized. Science can explain how cells develop and progress to become a complex individual (or alternatively, how cells misdevelop to become cancer) but science cannot pinpoint, explain, or measure the moment when a collection of developing cells known as a fetus becomes a being in its own right with a sentient soul capable of self-will. Scientists cannot explain why, when two individuals suffer precisely the same injury, one may live and the other may die; all they can do is speculate on "the will to live" or "divine intervention" or "the strength of their spirit." But the spiritual elements can help provide a glimmer of understanding as to what these mysteries are, how they process and progress, and how to better attune with them.
Our concepts of the spiritual elements of Air, Fire, Water, Earth, and Spirit are needed because it is human nature to quest, to explore, to strive for knowledge. Whether this is a survivial trait programmed by evolution or a divine gift from the gods matters not; humans must ask questions and seek out truth in whatever form each individual perceives it. Being able to relate to an immense or even infinite truth may be too difficult or overwhelming, and the spiritual elements provide one way (though by no means the only way) to gain understanding, to relate to a more easily understood concept, as a stepping-stone to a larger truth. In other words, while we may not comprehend the totality of God/dess, we may be able to relate to how Air, Fire, Water, and Earth mesh as parts of Spirit, even if we cannot understand the actual process or realize a total understanding. We may not fully understand the biological progress of aging or respiration or photosynthesis or any other biological process, but we can relate to the predictability within that process by looking to the Earth element, the life-giving (or hindering) components of that process by looking to the Water element, the sense of how that process progresses by looking to the Fire element, and glimpse an understanding of how that process begins by looking to the Air element.
Arthur C. Clarke said that "any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguisable from magic," and an often-used definition of magic is "the art of getting results" or "causing change to occur in conformity with will." However, those definitions of magic could as easily be applied to any activity; e.g. creating bread from flour, yeast, and water using the right amounts of ingredients and the correct method of combining them is also "getting results" or "causing change in conformity with will" but certainly doesn't seem magical. Now, if you created bread from potting soil, water, and a single wheat seed, that would indeed seem magical...but if you could plant that wheat seed in the soil, then instantly skip the time it took to grow and harvest the wheat, produce the flour, combine it with the other ingredients and bake it, it probably wouldn't seem so magical if you could explain how you did it. Likewise, the spiritual elements of Air, Fire, Water, and Earth allow us to take the shortcuts (like skipping time in the bread example) in order to connect with forces we cannot necessarily understand, reach a better understanding of the process or at least comprehend an analogy of it, and use our innate abilities to cause change in conformity with will to obtain results that we can't necessarily explain.
What we call Air, Fire, Water, and Earth are exactly what they *are* regardless of our definition, understanding, or manipulation of the spiritual elements; nothing we can do will inherently change their existence or qualities. Thus, they can provide a standard or constant that we may strive to better comprehend, and thereby better comprehend ourselves, others, and the reasons for it all. What we call Air, Fire, Water, and Earth are labels for concepts, and no two individuals will comprehend those concepts in the same way but each can gain a closer understanding the other's perception by further exploration of the concepts. The spiritual elements are extraordinarily versatile tools; they allow us to measure or quantify any given thing's intensity as if a barometer, dimensions as if a ruler, shape as if a sewing pattern, and in countless other ways or methods. And these tools, the spiritual elements, can be used subjectively and with versatility, without any more proof than one's own experience and understanding, unlike scientific tools and methods which can be used completely objectively but often fall short in providing understanding. It doesn't have to be necessarily magical, either. Understanding something about yourself or another being or your environment can be aided by learning of the spiritual elements, using them as measuring tools to quantify and compare any given thing or concept in order to gain further comprehension of that thing or concept. You can relate Air, Fire, Water, and Earth to the feelings of love you have for another, and even help define the difference between the love you have for your spouse and the love you have for your parent or friend or child. You can relate Air, Fire, Water, and Earth to the ways in which you have grown as a human being from childhood to the present, acknowledging the different themes and predominance of certain elemental influences in your life. You can focus on one or more of those elements to encourage certain patterns and influences that you feel lacking in your life, and whether or not that is a sort of magic depends on your perception of the ways you are focusing your will.
Aug. 3, 2002
Lesson Seven
The purpose of the circle, as I see it, is to provide a protected, sacred/consecrated place in which to raise/produce, direct, focus, and channel personal energies for a specific purpose; in addition to, or alternatively, to provide a protected, sacred/consecrated place in which to worship, give thanks, honor, and/or celebrate a specific God/dess, occasion, rite, or the Earth itself. A circle is created by intentionally directing your will and personal energy to establish a boundary between the mundane and the magickal, a space that touches both worlds but is confined to none. Creation of the circle can be thought of as an "enacted meditation," or an energy form within which the movements of energies can be limited and contained.
On a more in-depth level, the circle is actually a sphere. A circle, by dictionary definition, is a two-dimensional shape. The sphere shape allows for the containment of energies that are raised, directed, focused, and channelled during the process of ritual workings and celebrations. Theoretically, you could cast sacred space in any three-dimensional shape, but a sphere has many advantages none of the other shapes (such as a box or pyramid) have: a sphere has no single point anywhere along its boundaries that will be weaker than another point, a sphere has no single point where the energy contained within cannot flow smoothly, a sphere is one of the strongest geometrical shapes in nature, and a perfect sphere is more easily visualized than a perfectly balanced shape of any other kind.
It has been my practice since I started consciously casting circles to signal the completion of casting my circle (before embarking upon ritual) with the words, "This is a time that is not a time, in a place that is not a place, on a day that is not a day. I stand at the threshold between the worlds, before the veil of mysteries. May the gods help and protect me." This helps me keep a part of my awareness always directed on the consecrated properties of the circle while I am doing ritual, regardless of where else I must direct my focus.
Aug. 10, 2002
Lesson Eight
This is how I've cast circle, the majority of the time, for the last 5 or 6 years. It really goes a lot faster than it reads. When I'm working with others, whether they're part of the circle-casting or not, the parts where I speak the word "I" is changed to "we," except for what I say when I'm actually casting circle (unless I'm actually casting *with* another person).
I decide the boundaries of where the circle will be. Indoors, I generally use the whole room, and outdoors, I set the quarter candles at the cardinal points of where I wish the circle to be. I usually place the altar at the North or East, although specific rituals may call for placing the altar at another quarter or in the center. On the altar I have: pentacle, dish of salt, chalice with fresh water, incense holder with incense, circle candle, athame (although I can work without it), candle-snuffer, and lighter. All movement is deosil (clockwise) unless otherwise specified.
When I am ready to begin, I center and ground. I set the chalice of water upon the pentacle, hold the athame over it, and say: "Great Mother, bless this creature of Water. May I always remember the cauldron waters of birth and rebirth."
Turning to the dish of salt, I hold the athame over it, and say: "Great Mother, bless this creature of Earth. May I always remember the blessed earth in its many forms and beings."
Setting the athame down, I take a pinch or three of salt and sprinkle it into the water. I pick up the chalice and hold it up, saying: "Great Mother, I give you honor."
Walking to the East point of the circle boundary, I sprinkle the water from my fingertips as I walk the perimeter of the circle, focusing on cleansing the space with the elements of water and earth. Then I return to the altar and set the chalice down.
I light the circle candle, hold the athame over it, and say: "Great Father, bless this creature of Fire. May I always remember the sacred fire that dances within the form of every creation."
Turning to the incense, I hold the athame over it, and say: "Great Father, bless this creature of Air. May I always listen to the spirit winds that bring me the voices of the Ancient Ones."
Setting the athame down, I touch the incense to the pentacle, then light it in the candle's flame. I hold the incense up, saying: "Great Father, I give you honor."
Walking to the East point of the circle boundary, I carry the smoldering incense around the perimeter of the circle, focusing on cleansing the space with the elements of air and fire. Then I return to the altar and place the incense in the holder.
Taking the athame, I walk to the East point of the circle boundary, hold it at about waist height, and cast the circle deosil while saying: "I consecrate this circle of power to the Ancient Ones. Here may they manifest and bless their children." In a small room, I just say it once. If it's a large area, I try to cast slowly enough that I can say this three times before I return to the East point of the circle boundary.
Returning to the altar, I hold the athame up, and say: "This is a time that is not a time, in a place that is not a place, on a day that is not a day. I stand at the threshold between the worlds, before the veil of mysteries. May the Ancient Ones help and protect me."
Setting down the athame on the altar, I take the lighter and move to the East quarter candle (I use a yellow candle). I light the candle, hold my hands out from my body with palms forward as if to feel the wind blowing straight at me, and say: "You are the censer, keeper of the Air, ever fresh, ever blowing, scented by what you touch, moving with your will; you are the winds of change. I call upon you, powers of Air, to witness this rite and to guard this circle."
I move to the South quarter candle (I use a red candle) and light it. Holding my hands out from my body with palms facing one another, slightly cupped as if surrounding a flame, I say: "You are the sword, giver of death and spring, ever sharp, ever piercing, edged by what is true, cutting what is not; you are the fires of rebirth. I call upon you, powers of Fire, to witness this rite and to guard this circle."
I move to the West quarter candle (I use a blue candle) and light it. Holding my hands out from my body with palms cupped as if holding water within them, I say: "You are the cup, the chalice of life, ever filled, ever flowing, molded by what you hold, shaping what you pour; you are the waters of creation. I call upon you, powers of Water, to witness this rite and to guard this circle."
I move to the North quarter candle (I use a green candle) and light it. Holding my hands out from my body with palms flat and facing the earth as if pressing them onto the soil, I say: "You are the salt, purifier of earth, ever seasoned, ever healing, birthed by what is rock, growing with the world; you are the spice of Mother. I call upon you, powers of Earth, to witness this rite and to guard this circle."
I return to the altar, set down the lighter, and pick up the athame. Holding it up, I say: "This circle is bound, with power all around. Between the worlds I stand, with protection at hand."
Then I invoke the Goddess and God, do whatever ritual or workings that were planned, have "cakes & ale" if others are present (I usually skip this if I'm working solitary, and eat afterward since eating is very grounding), and ask a blessing from and give thanks to my Deities before I begin to uncast.
Uncasting is basically everything in reverse. I include it here because I feel very strongly about uncasting the circle at the end of ritual (although it doesn't bother me if I'm in a circle cast by another who does things differently). I start at the North quarter candle, and say: "Powers of Earth, I thank you, you who give stability, strength, and wisdom. I ask that you depart in peace with my thanks and blessings. Hail and farewell."
I snuff the candle, move widdershins to the West quarter candle, and say: "Powers of Water, I thank you, you who give intuition, fluidity, and emotion. I ask that you depart in peace with my thanks and blessings. Hail and farewell."
I snuff the candle, move widdershins to the South quarter candle, and say: "Powers of Fire, I thank you, you who give passion, courage, and loyalty. I ask that you depart in peace with my thanks and blessings. Hail and farewell."
I snuff the candle, move widdershins to the East quarter candle, and say: "Powers of Air, I thank you, you who give perception, clarity, and brightness of thought. I ask that you depart in peace with my thanks and blessings. Hail and farewell."
I snuff the candle, replace the candle-snuffer on the altar, and pick up my athame. Starting in the East, I uncast the circle widdershins, and when that is done, say: "The circle now is open, yet unbroken. May the peace of the Goddess go in your heart. Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again. Blessed be!"
Aug. 29, 2002
Lesson Nine
I used to think that when you decided to be Wiccan, you chose the deities you preferred to worship--based on whatever culture, "personality," or general qualities that appealed to you most. The first few years that I practiced Wicca, I didn't worship a particular deity, but simply the "Lord and Lady." After my grandmother gave me some information about our family heritage that a geneologist relative had discovered, and I learned that I'm at least 1/4 Norwegian (most of the rest is Scots-Irish), I started learning about the Old Norse gods. By then I'd met several other Wiccans, and it seemed they all had chosen either Egyptian or Celtic gods...and while I've always been attracted to Egyptian art, the culture and the pantheon held little interest for me. I wanted to dedicate myself to deities that some of my ancestors may have worshipped, but the Celtic pantheon didn't speak to me. The few times I invoked Celtic deities in group circles, I didn't feel I was connecting with the divine. And I simply didn't have any interest in the many other pantheons that I learned about.
As I learned about the Norse pantheon, I felt right away that Freya would be the goddess to which I dedicated myself--but I didn't want to commit to anything before educating myself more fully. Although she is commonly thought of as a goddess of sex and war, she is so very much more. Freya is a goddess of both life and death, unmarried (independent) and yet a mother, and so encompasses all aspects of the Goddess in her triple visage as Maiden, Mother, and Crone--and adds another in her role as the leader of the Valkyries, as Warrior. The name "Freya" means "Lady" (the title, not a description of a woman) in Old Norse, and so her very name embodies that she is a Goddess. Some view her as sexually promiscuous and materialistic because of the legend that she slept with four dwarves in trade for a magickal necklace, but the legend represents her right & freedom to choose actions of her own free will without consulting a guardian, while the dwarves in the legend represent the four Elements and the necklace represents the "element" of spirit which cannot be "obtained" without integration of the other four. All of these things resonated very deeply with me.
Finding a god was a bit more of a challenge to me. I never felt an affinity to Odin or Thor, and I definitely wanted to avoid mixing pantheons. It may work for some others, but I am not comfortable with the idea. Of course the easy choice would have been Frey, Freya's twin brother. Frey is the Norse version of the horned god, known in other pantheons as Pan or Cernunnos. I also considered Njord, Frey and Freya's father, who is the god of the sea, because I have always had an unusually strong affinity for the sea. But when I first discovered Tyr, the more compelled I felt to research and learn more about him. Tyr is the god of justice, battle, and oath-taking, and is invoked for courage and victory. Ironically, as he is also the god of truth and law, in legend he loses a hand to the wolf Fenris after being the first god to swear a false oath. To me, that spoke to the balance of actions and consequences. All of Tyr's aspects are qualities I felt I had within me but which needed bolstering.
And so when I dedicated myself to specific deities, they were (are) Freya and Tyr. I believe that I chose them, as I educated myself & searched amongst various possibilities, and did my best to be open to what was best suited to me. And yet, also they chose me.
I could have easily turned to the Hawaiian pantheon for patron deities, as I lived in Hawaii for 5 years of my childhood. The reality and majesty of gods & goddesses was firmly impressed upon my heart and soul by the Hawaiian deities. Even though I lacked the genetic heritage, I used to be very definitely part of that culture, even learning the hula (which is a form of worship) and speaking enough of the Hawaiian language to be understood, whereas I've never been to Norway and I was not raised with Norse culture, language, or traditions. This is one reason why I feel my gods chose me, for I was completely unfamiliar with them until my mid-twenties.
I could have struggled to attune myself better with some of the Celtic deities, or dedicated myself to a Celtic god and goddess despite my misgivings, and continued to practice with that pantheon because the majority of my genetic heritage is Celtic rather than Norse, or because more people are comfortable with the Celtic deities than the Norse, as they understand them. But I decided against that, which is another reason I feel my gods chose me...it's not that I had any feeling or belief that the Celtic deities were rejecting me, simply that I felt ill-fitted to embrace them as my own. I could respect them, honor them, and even offer them my worship--but I could not offer them my service as I could offer it to Freya and Tyr.
I do feel that at certain times in our lives, when we need to learn particular lessons, another god or goddess--other than the ones a person identifies most with or is dedicated to--may influence, guide, and watch over a person while that particular deity's aspects are most needed. I also feel that if a person has grown and changed greatly over time, they may come to realize that the deities they began their path with are no longer the ones they need to walk with into the future, and re-dedicate themselves to a new god and/or goddess. I don't feel either of these experiences is something to take lightly or decide to go forward with before undertaking less than cautious and deep soul-searching. I cannot imagine being dedicated to gods other than Freya and Tyr, but neither can I allow myself to rule out the possibility that someday it may become needful.
I have heard some other Wiccans tell of how they decided to choose a specific deity, only to have another god or goddess claim them in some fairly dramatic or unmistakeable way. I have heard some other Wiccans speak of choosing a god and goddess, never feeling they were influenced in any way in that choice, and being entirely fulfilled in their worship of their chosen deities. And I have heard some Wiccans tell of choosing, and yet not choosing, their patron deities in very similar ways to my own experience. I think, just as in all else, each of us has a uniquely individual experience, and there is no one right way to find the deities with which you resonate or dedicate yourself.
Sept. 20, 2002
Lesson Ten
When someone is asked "Who are you?" most people probably think of their name automatically, regardless of what they answer. My legal first name has been spelled and pronounced various ways over the course of my life, and I think this is one of the reasons I've never been terribly attached to my birth name. Also, I was named after my grandmother, and I've always felt the name was far more hers than mine. I've wanted to legally change my name for most of my life, but hesitated because my mother convinced me it would break my grandmother's heart to reject her name. I also wanted to ensure choosing a name that I would be happy with for the rest of my life.
My solitary practice of Wicca began in earnest in 1994, but I didn't feel compelled to choose a Wiccan name. I began using the name "Lilith" as the name of my medieval persona within the Society for Creative Anachronism when I joined it in 1996, and within several months I decided it fit me so well that it had become my Wiccan name. Over the last several years, I've realized the most important family in my life is my daughters and my family-of-choice, and that trying to please my relatives will not necessarily be good for me. Some decisions have left me with mixed feelings despite knowing I am doing the right thing, including that of changing my name legally, which I have discussed yearningly for about 20 years and have been legally old enough to do for 15 years.
The name "Lilith" has become an inherent part of my identity, moreso than my birth name ever has been. I actually didn't know anything about the origins of the name Lilith when I first began using it; I simply liked the way it sounded. But the more I learned about the archetypal Lilith, the more she came to symbolize to me the strength, integrity, and determination that a woman's independence can embody. These were all qualities I needed to first learn, then balance appropriately, and always continue to integrate within my selfhood. I joke that the Lilith I am now is the "new & improved" version of the Lilith I was 6 years ago, although certain fundamentals have remained surprisingly constant, not just in the last several years but since I can remember.
When I was 19 years old, I was given my first set of Elder Futhark runes by the man who would become my second husband & my younger daughter's father. I had no idea that they were a "Pagan thing," but actually considered them some kind of esoteric party game that was uncannily accurate, which I was attracted to with an intensity that almost made me uncomfortable. After my husband died, I started studying Wicca intensively instead of sporadically, and actually practicing what I was learning instead of just thinking about it. In researching the Pagan faiths of my ancestors, I discovered the runes were actually a Norse oracle or divinatory tool, as well as a (primarily) magickal alphabet, I began seeing them in a new light, and quite a few things concerning my runestones that had happened in past years developed deeper meaning or signifigance. The runes have always touched me deeply, and resonate within my soul.
My father's mother had received some geneology material from a relative, and shared it with me. I was fascinated, and a bit wistful that all the information beyond a couple generations back was simply names & dates. But the names were compelling and beautiful to me...one of my great-great-grandmothers was Inger Bertine Johannesdotter Garthus, and my great-great-great-grandmothers (Inger's mother and mother-in-law) were Beret Olsdatter Rustebakkeie and Sigri Olsdotter Tomtitn. So when I was searching for a Wiccan name, I chose to honor my Norwegian foremothers by combining my love of the runes with the suffix "datter" which means "daughter." Since "rune" means "hidden" or "mystery," I felt that "runesdatter" would mean one whose birthright was that of the old mysteries, as well as meaning that the runes guide me as a loving parent would.
Who I have always been, still am, and can't imagine not being: a thinking dreamer, inquisitive, a practical idealist, passionate, an introspective extrovert, flexible, a limit-pusher, independent, a fiercely loving friend, and human first & female second.
Who I didn't used to be but am learning to become more fully: tactful, a patient companion, balanced, a faithful believer, aware, a consistent worker, self-disciplined, a gentle critic, and confident.
All I know for sure is that I'm *more* than someone's daughter, sister, mother, friend, lover, employee, pal, confidante, or mobile furniture (which is, I'm sure, what the cat considers me). I'm myself, and my own self.
(Whew! I got through First Circle, and in just over 6 months. The goal I had set for myself when I started was "within 6 months," but I only missed it by a few days, so I am not disappointed. Now to work on my application to Second Circle, and wait to see what happens next!--Lilith Runesdatter)
I had my Second Circle lessons up at Diary-X, which crashed and lost all journals, so unfortunately those are no longer available.
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