Anyway, in order to celebrate Beltane in the most Discordian way, you must get yourself screwed, or screwed over. I tried to have them move Beltane to April 15th, since that is the day that the IRS screws ALL of us over, but nobody would listen.

So, for your Beltane ritual, gather the following items: garbage barge, essential oil, puce colored candle, large and gaudy candle holder, large glow-in-the-dark pentacle on a string, conical hat, long black robe, and a broom.

This ritual involves travel, the amount depending on your location. You must find the nearest redneck bar. Put on your hat and your robe, wear your glow-in-the-dark pentacle, carry your broom, anoint the candle with the oil, and enter the bar. Walk to the pool table, place the holder and candle in the center of the pool table (especially if there is a game going on), light it, and recite the following:

I reject your Christian crap
I'm here to do the Pagan rap.
By this candle, convert you will
From the Christian's evil ill

Christians suck and Pagans rule
All who go to church are fools
Now you're Pagan just like me
So out this door I'm going to flee