Fifty Sure-Fire Ways to Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbor is a PaganAuthor unknown;
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How many of the following does your neighbor exhibit?
- Never puts garbage out on the curb...I mean, recycling and compost are fine, but you can take it too far!
- You casually mention the moon's phase, and s/he replies with the exact number of days, hours, and minutes of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.
- All the stray cats in the neighborhood congregate in her/his garden.
- A screech-owl has chosen the lamppost outside her/his house as it's favorite perch...just when it's getting warm outside at night and you want to sleep with your windows open.
- Doesn't mow down the weeds in his/her garden and lawn...in fact, it sort of looks like s/he's cultivating them!
- The abundance of black garments drying on the clothesline out back.
- Local kids whisper and stare as they pass his/her house, then start running if they spot movement in the house or yard.
- Nobody trick-or-treats at his/her door--not since the year that his/her costume was scarier than any of theirs!
- Footprints on the roof...and the trees near the house look as if they've been pruned for a flight-path!
- S/he can't make a sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it...and don't accept that offer of a cup of tea unless you want something yellow-colored and smelling like flowers!
- S/he never gets junk mail...you idly wonder why, and s/he confides that she just returns it to sender after writing something on it in strange curly script.
- When you drop in for a chat, the coffee pot or tea kettle is already starting to perk.
- Jehovah's Witnesses never knock on his/her door anymore...not after the last time...
- Keeps the local candle shop solvent.
- Has a pond out back full of frogs...and you haven't seen that pesky storm-window salesman in a while.
- S/he's always smiling peacefully!
- Went to a Halloween costume party dressed normally, and won first prize!
- Her/his house always smells like incense and herbs.
- Has cats named Kali, Diana, Loki, and Pele.
- Bumper-sticker on his/her car reads, "I brake for toads".
- Frequently gets questioned by the drug squad, who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves and always return them with abject apologies after analysis!
- At Christmas, it seems like half the garden is moved into the house.
- Sometimes you hear the sounds of singing and drumming through the wall...if you look outside, it's usually a full moon.
- Was given a bodram or dumbek for her/his last birthday...and sometimes plays it outside at midnight...
- You discover the "realistic resin" skull s/he affectionately calls "Ron" in the living room actually is real...and hadn't you heard of an ex-lover named Ron?
- You catch her/him washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
- S/he wears lots of silver jewelry, even when weeding or changing the oil in the car...
- You knock on the door and s/he answers it wearing only a robe...you apologize for disturbing her/his shower, but notice her/his hair isn't wet...
- Tendency to hum or softly chant, especially while outside in the garden.
- Has a tame robin that will eat from his/her hand in the garden...that can't be normal.
- Never catches a cold, despite a tendency to walk around barefoot often...even in the snow.
- Doesn't kill spiders...even the huge hairy ones that startle you when you're in the tub.
- Always listens to what you're saying like s/he really cares.
- Has lots of female friends that come around once or twice a month...when you ask what they're up to, s/he tells you they just have cake and ale and a nice chat.
- You catch him/her hugging a tree.
- Owns a dinner set decorated with Celtic patterns or a "stars and moons" design.
- Has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gems wholesaler.
- The priest who lives around the corner always crosses himself when driving past her/his house.
- Never watches television...but owns shelves full of books with black spines and silver lettering.
- To your certain knowledge has never set foot in the local church...you've even heard rumors s/he's been barred from it.
- You ask to borrow a deck of cards for an impromptu evening of canasta, and there are 78 in the pack.
- You've never known him/her to go to a physician.
- When you chat, s/he gently maintains eye contact the whole time.
- Expectant mothers are always visiting...also women who become expectant mothers a short time after visiting and leaving with bags full of herbs.
- You ask for suggestions of nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of strange earth mounds, oak groves, and stone circles.
- S/he only buys organic food...and you suspect vegetarian as well!
- When you ask about vacation plans, you're told about camping in yurts...or festivals with communal cabins.
- There aren't any clocks in the house...and most of the mirrors are black.
- Has a statue of a dragon near the garden gate...calls it her/his "watch-dragon".
- Tells you s/he's coming out of the broom closet, and installs a stained-glass pentagram window in the front door!
Score:
1-10: Probably just a bit odd.
11-20: Might be a New Age hippy...harmless, maybe a little deluded.
21-30: Best not to offend her/him, just to be on the safe side.
31-40: Definitely something suspicious going on...stock up on your supply of Holy Water.
41-50: Get the kindling together--we're going to have ourselves a burning!
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