How I Do Polyamory

This page renovated regularly, last updated 19 March 2007
(For the 3 or 4 people who might actually read it -- *grin*)

First Things First
I use the term "polyamory" as shorthand for a description of my romantic relationship practices. The full-length version is "consensual, honest, responsible non-monogamy" -- but clearly that becomes tedious to say and/or write every time I wish to describe my romantic relationships! Other people's definitions of "polyamory" may not match mine -- or yours! Caveat emptor!

Polyamory Resources
Polyamory (n.) A general term for any of a loose category of relationship styles based on open and honest communication, that allow multiple emotional, romantic, or erotic partners, with a general tendency to focus on the emotional and romantic components. The structure and format of such relationship styles varies. (op. cit. polyandry, polyfidelity, polygamy, open marriage, open relationship, triad, quad, V-relationship, Z-relationship, network relationship, swinging)

If you're new to polyamory, get thee gone to one of the following resources:

*** Best book on the market: Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless & hopeful by Anthony Ravenscroft.
*** Next best book on the market: Pagan Polyamory: Becoming a Tribe of Hearts by Raven Kaldera
*** Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality article on polyamory
*** Basic info: alt.polyamory FAQ
*** Best practical advice on poly: The Polyamorous Misanthrope
*** More good advice: Franklin Veaux's Polyamory Pages

And here's my stats on the PGRDF (Poly Geek Relationship Disclosure Form) written by Karawynn.

Some Basics To Start With
A dear friend of mine (who also happens to be my secondary partner) wrote out some mottos for life, which I have adopted because they are, quite simply, brilliant. It's my profound belief that healthy relationships include these standards!

Life’s Too Short -- to do something that won't ultimately improve my life. Sometimes I must tolerate unpleasantness in the short term, because it will bring about rewards in the long term, but otherwise there is no good reason to put up with crap.
One Standard Will Do Nicely, Thank You -- and this is a two-way street. People who attempt to impose double-standards on me soon become people I refuse to have anything to do with.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words -- which, theoretically, should be self-explanatory...but unfortunately, usually has to be explained. Simply put, if someone consistently tells you one thing, yet acts contrary to what they say, they're either a hypocrite or a liar or both.

I want to add here: It Takes Two To Tango (and sometimes three or four!). I have yet to see any unhappy relationship where a single person was to blame for the unpleasant results. I don't believe that any adult in a relationship situation which causes themselves or others grief is an "innocent victim," because even if someone is a "victim," if they choose not to remove themselves from a dysfunctional or abusive relationship, they are aiding & abetting their victimization, and have no ethical right to avoid the responsibility of that choice and the consequences.

My Relationships
My primary partner is the man I have been friends with since about 1997, romantically involved with since the summer of 1999, and lived with since December of 1999. He will always be my primary; neither of us will allow anything to threaten that commitment. Besides that, he's my best friend, we share damned near everything with one another, and we're still madly in love (and in lust) after all these years! I know I'm truly blessed

I also have a deeply important relationship with another man, with whom I've been sexually involved since the autumn of 2003. We're (for lack of a better term) secondary partners to one another. My secondary partner has a primary significant other, who I have come to care for as a friend, and I deeply respect the primacy of their relationship.

And, while my other significant adult relationship can't be termed polyamorous, due to its non-sexual & non-romantic nature, I do have a serious committed relationship with my best friend & the godmother of my children. She has described the relationship between herself & me as a "decade-long platonic lesbian marriage." She is incredibly dear to me, and I cannot imagine her ever not being a very important part of my life.

Our Boundaries (alternatively, Our Agreements)
If you've come to this page because you're curious about polyamory, you should definitely check out the links I listed previously... and feel free to read the rest of this, while keeping in mind that this is how polyamory works for me, personally -- for a specific individual who's had a fair amount of experience actually doing it (rather than theorizing about it). But again, what works for me and my partners may not work as well for you and yours.

My primary and I do our best to be considerate of one another's comfort zones, as well as our mutual comfort zone. This takes a lot of honest communication. There's a saying in the polyamory community is that the Poly Mantra is "Communicate, communicate, communicate!" My particular version, regarding just about everything in life (but especially non-monogamy) is, "Honestly communicate, openly communicate, effectively communicate." Because, let's face it, two (or more) people can talk a lot and still not have much actual communication going on. There are exceptions, in that particular situations don't necessarily merit tons of communication, but overall it's a Good Thing.

One of our two most profound agreements to one another is that we do not keep secrets from one another. Period. If either of us asks a question of the other, an honest answer will be given. If something happens involving one of us that they know (or believe) the other would want to be made aware of, it's discussed. If one of us is asked by a third party to keep something confidential, we let them know that we can agree only to the extent that it would not negatively impact the relationship between the two of us.

Our other most profound agreement is that neither of us will have sex with another person without condoms and/or other safer-sex requirements that we deem necessary. We also immediately inform the other if there are any latex slips or breaks, or even close to it. This goes even beyond protection against possible sexually-transmitted infections; it's also about the physical intimacy of a relationship reflecting the emotional intimacy level. When you eliminate the barrier of latex in a non-monogamous relationship, you are stating that you are trusting another person with not only your life and health, but the life and health of your partner(s) as well. That's a level of trust we don't believe is appropriate outside of a lifetime commitment.

The summary of our safer-sex policy is that taking chances with your health, or with the health of your partners, is absolutely unacceptable.

My primary and I also have an agreement that prospective sexual partners will be discussed between us, whenever possible, before either of us has sex with another person. In some non-monogamous relationships, there is a "veto clause," which often means any person has the right to veto the prospective partner of one of their other committed partners. We don't have this, because a veto is nothing more than an ultimatum with another label -- and we both believe ultimatums are unacceptable.

Relationship Expectations
I don't have a huge amount of pre-determined expectations in how a relationship develops and grows; I do expect that there will be honesty, open communication, respect, appropriate consideration, and a willingness to work out differences (or agreement to disagree) between myself and anyone I date. I expect that anyone I date understands that my children and my primary partner come first in my life, and if they have either children or another partner, I will respect and understand their commitments in return. (Even if they don't have children or another partner, I still will not expect to come first in their life, since I cannot offer that in return.)

I definitely expect that anyone I date has a basic level of respect for my primary commitment. If an additonal partner I am involved with wishes to develop a friendship with my primary, and my primary is also interested in becoming friends, I will be thrilled! Since my primary is straight, a romantic relationship between him and another partner of mine could only be possible if my additional partner were female (which isn't likely, but I won't call it impossible).

One point that a lot of people seem to miss, but which my primary and I are very firm regarding, is the "One Standard Will Do Nicely, Thank You" rule. We've both seen plenty of poly relationships where one or both partners is affected by a double standard -- most usually, it's a hetero-male and bi-female couple who are both "allowed" to date only women. And whether or not it's actually the case that the male involved is territorial & possessive over "his" women, and is threatened by the thought of another penis being involved in any part of the equation, that's the way it looks -- and that's usually the way it plays out. Nothing is more unattractive than the hint (or more than a hint, usually) that someone is behaving like a wild animal "marking its territory" by figuratively pissing on you. At least animals are honest about it.

Sex!
My primary is straight and I am "hetero-flexible." Neither of us is terribly skin-conscious, and we are both comfortable with nudity in appropriate circumstances. Having a sexual relationship with one of us doesn't necessitate being sexual with the other. I would hope that this is stating the obvious, but there are plenty of polyamorous people who actually have the expectation that a romantic and/or sexual relationship with one of them has to include the other, either as active participant or as some kind of chaperone. (I run screaming for the hills when one of these people expresses an interest in dating me. Your mileage may vary.)

Neither my primary nor I will knowingly participate in any situation that is uncomfortable for anyone involved. Neither of us are interested in threesomes, and neither of us often has "casual" sex. (Neither of us has a serious problem with casual sex if it's done responsibly, honestly, and with safer-sex practices, but -- at least in my opinion -- it's generally not worth the hassles that often accompany it. Been there, done that, burned my dance card. Basically, anyone hoping to "get lucky" with me because I'm a polyamorous woman is just outta luck; polyamorous does NOT mean "will fuck anything!")

Monogamy As It Relates to Us
Neither my primary partner nor I will date people who consider themselves firmly monogamous or have distinct discomfort with polyamorous relationships. We've both had too much experience, together and separately (as well as observing other people's "mixed polyamorous/monogamous" dating situations), to believe such a relationship can be inherently healthy or is likely to be happy. After all, if a person considers monogamy a high priority for their happiness, what does it say about their self-esteem or personal dysfunctions to willingly enter into a non-monogamous relationship? Casual dating with someone who doesn't identify as polyamorous is fine -- as long as that person understands, accepts, and respects the fact that they are having a non-monogamous relationship (even if they, themselves, are monogamous). There are many Very Good & Sensible Reasons for this, and I'll skip the gory details.

A List of Ideas & A Nifty Excerpt
In the book The Ethical Slut (which is a very good book on non-monogamy), there's a list of things to avoid in non-monogamous relationships, and most of them are really good ideas, but of course no list works for everyone equally well. That said, here's a list of the basic standards that I think are a good idea in polyamorous relationships:In other words, basic decency and responsible, loving behavior! (This is not astrophysics, for crying out loud.)

If you haven't read this essay on "Poly People I Can Do Without," I highly recommend it. Here's one of my favorite excerpts, which may help clue you into the sort of crap I've encountered on a regular basis by people who call themselves "poly" but don't practice ethical behavior:
Now I have nothing against casual sex and the people who enjoy and practice it responsibly. The "poly" people I can do without are the ones who want to be able to do WHAT they want, WHEN they want, with no regard or consideration for the feelings of their other "partners." And I'm not talking about the occasional time that we ALL do something that we didn't realize would adversely affect a partner -- I'm talking about people who USE other people for their own gratification and don't CARE if something they do is hurtful to another. They think that by using the word "poly" to describe their behavior, they can somehow legitimize discourteous, disrespectful, careless, and self-centered behavior. The worst of these types will be courteous and considerate so long as nothing impinges on THEIR want of the moment, leading a partner to trust and believe in them. But the moment they want something that might adversely affect a partner, consideration and caring are conveniently discarded as unnecessary burdens. And any bad feelings a partner may experience as a result of this behavior are also treated as excessive burdens which THEY don't want to have to deal with. (emphasis mine)

In justifying this behavior, the hallmark phrase of these "poly" types is, "Your feelings are your own. I'm not responsible for your feelings." While in the truest sense of the word, we are all responsible for our own feelings, in order to have REAL emotional intimacy, one must show CARE and consideration for a partner's feelings. While you can't be responsible FOR them, you can be responsible TO them. One must NURTURE and feed the feelings of your loves, for to be truly emotionally intimate with someone is to be vulnerable. This is NOT the same as "being responsible for another person's happiness;" it is about the kind of bond of intimacy and genuine caring that builds a truly deep, meaningful relationship.

To Conclude
Nobody's perfect, and the main reason I've written all this out is for clarity -- so I can better understand (and be consistent with) my boundaries & expectations, and so anyone else who's interested can get an idea of how this type of relationship works for me & my partner(s).

Ideally, my primary & I would love to have the "perfect" polyamorous relationship, of a triad or quad where everyone was equally in love with (and committed to) everyone else...but realistically, we know that finding one person you're compatible with (who is ready for a serious relationship) is tough -- finding two or more people you're compatible with, who are also compatible with one another, and who are all ready, able, and willing to make a lifetime commitment work...well, it's one hell of a big dream. I keep hoping, and dreaming, and being incredibly grateful for the love I'm already blessed with.

Anything Else?
This covered the basics...if you're interested in more, here's My Related Miscellaneous Thoughts On Poly. Feel free to email with feedback!
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