Misc Thoughts on Polyamory


Here's the expanded supplement to my original Poly page.

My Opinions on Polyamory "vs." Monogamy
I don't believe either monogamy or polyamory is a "better" or "more moral" choice in general than the other -- or that either is necessarily the "natural order of things."

I believe some people are naturally or inherently monogamous, some people are naturally non-monogamous, and probably the majority of people could go either way if they had a true choice (that wasn't dictated by society, religion, etc) -- just as some people are naturally better parents of multiple children, some people are naturally better at parenting an only child, and some people are better off (and happier) not being parents at all.

I do believe that polyamory as I practice (consensually, honestly, and responsibly) it is a far better and more moral choice for me than monogamy ever could be.

As I've written elsewhere, the analogy I like to use to help others understand how polyamory works is that of parenthood. Nobody thinks a parent "isn't satisfied" with their first child, or is "missing something" from their parenting experience if they decide to have a second child. Nor does anyone question that parents won't have every bit as much love and loyalty for their secondborn as for their firstborn! It's only natural for a parent to wonder, or even doubt, if they can love a second child as much as the first -- until that second child comes into their lives, and then they realize that their fears were largely groundless. It's rare, if not impossible, to devote as much time and attention to each individual child when you have more than one as you did to your only child when you had just the one -- but that doesn't mean you love any of your children less, or are less devoted & committed to them all, or even that you aren't as good a parent anymore now that you have to divide your time & attention! And it's rare for anyone to consider someone a morally better or worse person for choosing to have either one child or two, or none for that matter.

To those who question why anyone would want another partner if their relationship with the first was "truly" satisfying and fulfilling, I ask: If a person is completely and utterly satisfied with their first child, why does he or she seek to have yet another child? What void does this second child fulfill? I know that my second-born was planned because I knew I had enough energy, love, and commitment to give another child, and because I found parenting my firstborn so fulfilling & rewarding that I wanted to add even more joy, enrichment, and fullness to my life (and the rest of my family's) with another child. I love each of my daughters in very different ways, but I certainly don't love either of them more -- regardless of the fact that my firstborn has been in my life for 4 years longer than my secondborn.

I'm not urging anyone to become polyamorous (or parents!) with this analogy; I'm just hoping it will lead to better understanding of why some people are. It's almost never true that one person isn't somehow "enough." Quite often, one partner is enough. Even for many polyamorous people, doing the work it takes to keep multiple relationships healthy is a serious endeavor and lots of effort! It's not all sunshine and effortlessly great sex (I wish...).

Asking one person to fulfill every single one of your needs, wants, and dreams in a romantic relationship is really putting a huge demand on them -- and most monogamous people, instead of doing that, settle for less than they really need or want in a romantic relationship because their partner (being a real, fallible human) simply isn't capable of being the Dream Lover who fulfills you completely. Many people can probably relate to "I love my husband but he's not interested in the really meaningful things I share with my best friend," or "My wife is great and I love her completely but she's just not willing to be as sexual and uninhibited as I need to be fulfilled" (I'm being deliberately stereotypical here; change genders as needed!).

For instance, my primary partner likes gaming, getting out in the Great Outdoors for hiking & what-not, and Alice Cooper. Him asking me to create a Vampire the Masquerade character, go hiking for hours, or rock out to Alice is something I might do just to please him, but I will find little enjoyment in doing it, and that diminishes his enjoyment -- so he doesn't ask me, he asks another friend to share those interests with him. Neither of us take that personally, so why would I take it personally if he wants to tie up another friend and have kinky sex with her in a way that I am flat-out not interested in accomodating? I don't take that personally, though others may (or definitely do), and there's nothing wrong with that.

Non-monogamy itself is NOT good or bad. It's NOT better or worse than monogamy. It's like strawberries...some people love the sweetness, some people can't stand the seeds even though they like the flavor, some people couldn't care either way, and some people are highly allergic.

Polyamory -- instead of requiring you to leave one person because you found another person who fulfills you in ways that your current partner doesn't -- allows you to include that additional partner (or partners). It's inclusive -- instead of excluding, making you choose "either/or" -- yes, you can have your cake and eat it too! Polyamory, in many ways, is saying, "I love you exactly the way you are, and instead of requiring you to get over your issues before you're ready to deal with them, or behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable, or burden you with demanding more than you can/will give, I can take responsibility for my own needs by finding an additional partner who is more compatible in those specific ways -- without sacrificing what we have together, and hopefully my additional partner (and/or yours!) can become a rewarding part of our life together, too."

(Of course, if non-monogamy is specifically something that involves "requiring you to get over your issues before you're ready to deal with them, or behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable, or burden you with demanding more than you can/will give," then it's not likely to work out well for that particular couple at that particular time.)

What a lot of people who first get very gung-ho about polyamory -- and whose partners aren't interested, or are very nervous about the idea -- don't keep in mind is that everyone's opinions, feelings, and boundaries ARE capable of changing, IF the person wants them to change and is willing to go beyond their preconceived notions of what works for them. But each partner has to respect the other's rate of change, respect the other's emerging boundaries, and make the decision whether they will place the commitment of their relationship first or the fulfillment of personal needs first! My primary partner & I put our relationship and commitment to one another first, which means there have been (and most likely, will be) times when either of us isn't all that content with how things are going because, since one of us is uncomfortable with what the other wants, the other doesn't pursue that and so feels less fulfilled...at least until the one who is uncomfortable either reaches a new point of understanding and realizes they're not threatened by it anymore, OR the one who isn't pursuing what they wanted realizes it really wasn't that important or desireable and so becomes less interested in pursuing it. It's basically a matter of keeping your priorities straight!

My Past
I've always preferred non-monogamous relationships; I just didn't have a term for it aside from "open relationship" until about 1997 or so. My very first romantic relationship was "an open relationship." Imagine, if you will, a couple of anxious 15-year-old kids -- who'd just become lovers the previous month -- having a stilted, tentative conversation about not wanting to be "tied down" to one person...and both being incredibly relieved to discover the other wasn't interested in sexual fidelity, either! Of course we weren't ready for it...but we gave it our best shot, because we were in love and we wanted to be honestly happy. Unfortunately, I mistakenly blamed the "open" part of our relationship for why things didn't work out for us so well (does anyone blame monogamy when a monogamous relationship doesn't work out?). He & I stayed friends, and I tried to be monogamous for the next decade or so, mostly because I thought that was my only realistic option. I say "tried to be" because I was never successful at monogamy for more than a couple years at a stretch, at the longest. Society and my friends and the people I dated were all so negative about any romantic relationship not including monogamy, so it took until I had more self-confidence in my own views and choices before I decided that being true to myself was more important than being in a relationship, and started informing people I dated that I was not monogamous.

My next attempt at polyamory came when I was 26. He was fine with the idea as a theoretical; but when confronted with the reality that his lady would be having other lovers, he broke up with me. That relationship, and the next handful of dating relationships I had, showed me a lot of what not to do in polyamorous relationships! Anyway, I consider myself an expert on polyamory, in the sense that an expert is "a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared" (that lovely definition is by P. J. Plauger). Why should I be considered an expert? Because I've been committedly polyamorous for a decade, I've made most of the mistakes that you can make in polyamorous relationships and busted my butt not to repeat them the next time around (often -- but not always! -- successfully), and I currently have two solid, strong, and incredibly healthy romantic relationships which have lasted several years...and not by chance, either, but by conscious and sincere effort on the part of all the participants.

Boundaries / Agreements
My primary partner and I both sleep ("just" sleep) better when we sleep with one another; sometimes it seems as though the only time we really have to reconnect is in bed (whether for "just" cuddling, or whatever else). In the past, I've "given up" my bed to my partner and another partner of his, but this never set well with me. Someone who cares about my partner needs to respect my space and wishes to a reasonable extent; if he chooses to spend a night with her, it won't be in my bed unless I've already made plans to sleep elsewhere. Likewise, if I spend a night with someone other than my primary partner, we won't be evicting my primary from the bed he & I share. Anyone who's interested in a romantic relationship with me, or with my partner, has to understand & accept that.

Warning: Hot Button Issue!
My physical and emotional health has been threatened by situations in the past where a fluid-bonded partner had unprotected sex elsewhere and then lied to me about it. That sort of high-handed, incredibly selfish and inconsiderate betrayal is so anathema to me that it's an automatic and immediate dealbreaker. (By "immediate dealbreaker," I mean that romantic/sexual relationship ends immediately.) If a partner -- whether or not we were fluid-bonded -- were to have unprotected sex with another and then fail to inform me about it, prior to the next time they & I were sexual, I would end that relationship immediately. If a partner -- fluid-bonded or not -- has unprotected sex with another and tells me prior to the next time they & I are sexual, that gives me the opportunity to make important decisions regarding not only my health, but the level of trust and commitment and respect in the relationship we share, AND it gives everyone who is sexually active with either of us the opportunity to express their concerns. Obviously, I don't believe there's much trust and respect from someone who lies to me, whether directly or by omission, about their sexual status with others. That's information which may impact my health, or that of any other partner that I have, and nobody has the right to decide for me and my other partners that "the person I had unprotected sex with is disease-free" or any other rationale in an attempt to excuse their irresponsible & hurtful actions. I do not take chances with my health, or with the health of my lovers. And I cannot believe that anyone who does is acting ethically, responsibly, or with any kind of love.

Other Partners
While neither of us is likely to get seriously involved with a person if our partner would be greatly bothered by it, if the only reason given by one of us to the other concerning a non-committed relationship is "I don't click with him/her," then it's our responsibility as adults to accept that sometimes the person you love has interests or desires that you don't understand, and get the fuck over it. It's simple consideration not to do something (or someone, as the case may be) that will cause the person you most love unnecessary grief, but it's also plain-and-simple self-accountability not to restrict your partner's boundaries strictly out of your own desire not to be at all uncomfortable. However, the emotional comfort level within our home is extremely importance to us, so we've agreed that neither of us will bring another partner to our home for extended visits, without the other's prior consent. There are rare exceptions to our agreement of always discussing prospective sexual partners first; those exceptions are almost always along the lines of "Use your best judgement, and if I have any problems with something that happens, we'll work things out together."

Aspects of Poly Relationships
As I see it, there are different levels of relationship, which define what kind of rights and responsibilities those involved in that relationship have. You may not have the same views, and that's fine. (Since I probably won't be dating someone with radically differing views on relationships, it won't affect me on a personal level.) Communicating effectively regarding what these rights and responsibilities are is extremely important, in any relationship, but even more so in more complex relationship configurations.

One of the big stumbling-blocks in polyamorous relationships seems to be when someone starts dating one person who is already involved in a committed relationship, and expects it to be "just like" dating someone who's not involved with another person at all. It can't work that way, for one simple reason: time. Love is infinite; loving one person "whole-heartedly" does not hinder you from loving another just as much -- any parent with more than one child knows that! Having more than one child does not reduce the amount of love a parent feels for their first-born, and the later-born children are not loved less just because they came afterward; your heart grows with the number of people you love, and the length of time you know a person does not necessarily correspond with how much you love them.

However, time is most certainly finite; the amount of time and undivided attention available to give your partner is divided when you add another partner into the mix. A person who has a long-standing primary partner cannot be expected to sacrifice enormous amounts of time, that they otherwise would spend with that primary partner, to devote to someone they are casually dating, or whom they consider a secondary -- not without disrespecting the commitment they already have! The person who is the casual dating or secondary partner in that situation needs to have a solid level of self-esteem and maturity, in order to avoid feeling they are intrinsically less important, whether or not they hope to eventually become another committed partner. That person needs to honestly express their needs and wants in a way that gives consideration to the fact that the person they're dating is also responsible to a committed partner, and cannot drop everything to meet those needs and wants.

I know what I'm talking about here, because I've been (and currently am) both a primary and secondary partner in different relationships, and sometimes even in the same relationship at different points in time. For instance, the man who is my primary partner used to be my secondary, when I was romantically involved with my ex, who was then my primary partner (I call him the World's Best Ex; he's still a good friend of mine). When the romantic relationship between my ex & me ended, my then-secondary partner and I reevaluated our relationship, talked about our mutual goals (on about a zillion different topics), and made the commitment to be one another's primary lifetime partners. It's theoretically possible that another person could eventually become a primary partner to us both, but it hasn't happened so far.

When people begin a "regular" relationship, they often don't discuss just what the boundaries or expectations are in that relationship; they just assume. This is often how dysfunctional relationships happen -- and how they end! In a polyamorous relationship, however, expectations and boundaries must be expressly communicated, because there are too many people involved to hope that the assumptions will all fall into a workable arrangement! If a polyamorous couple don't explicitly discuss what they hope to experience -- together and separately -- with additional partners, their relationship is endangered because of the actions & choices that either or both will take based on the unspoken assumptions made by either or both of them. And if a person dating someone who is already part of a committed relationship isn't interested in effectively and comfortably communicating with everyone involved in that relationship, chances are that they won't be happy being part of that relationship configuration -- and the relationship configuration involving all of them won't last very long, in any case!

Another challenge I've seen in polyamorous relationships is when someone (who is usually unfamiliar with, or uncomfortable with, a polyamorous relationship) starts dating a person who is already involved in a committed relationship, and the new partner expects that the other -- pre-existing -- relationship can be treated much like "a hobby that takes up a lot of their partner's time, which they can ignore as they please, and the time their partner must devote to it barely tolerated." Lest you think I am too cynical, I have heard some people describe their attitude toward the other relationship precisely this way. It's something I consider it intensely disrespectful, not to mention distasteful, and it's one of the main reasons I'm extremely wary of polyamory "newbies."

There are occasions when my primary and I don't share extensive communication about another partner, and that exception to the rule is when the relationship doesn't (and won't) affect our primary relationship. Or, to put it in plainer terms, if my primary partner is having a long-distance online relationship with someone, and there is little-to-no chance that the relationship will ever become an in-person and/or locally-based relationship, my decision may be that it's not necessary or helpful for me to know anything whatsoever about that relationship. Likewise, if my partner has interactions with someone local, I don't necessarily need to know anything about it until and unless it becomes likely that their relationship will ever go beyond casual dating, or a sexual relationship develops between them. My primary partner and I have mutually established where our comfort levels are regarding a "need to know" and it works well for us, because we both trust that either of us can broach the subject and exchange information regarding a particular situation at any time. It just seems quite practical to me that, unless another partner of my primary partner is (or will be) affecting my life, I don't really need or care to know anything about that person or the relationship. Some polyamorous people want more, or less, information about a partner's prospective or existing other partner; this is just what works for me & my primary.

All About Jealousy
I used to be one of those silly people who claimed they don't feel jealousy. Ha ha ha ha! What a nimrod I was. Eventually, I figured out that what most people call "jealousy" is a complex range of emotions, most of which I had more specific terms for. As an insightful person called Silver pointed out (in a commentary which is no longer online), many people lump a variety of feelings under the broad term of jealousy, and that's often a mistake. Recognizing what you're truly feeling is the first step to reconciling those feelings with your actions, resolving feelings that you'd rather not have, and making healthy choices in your actions. So it's a good idea to define and distinguish between insecurity, loneliness, selfishness, injured pride, self-consciousness, envy, and jealousy. If you aren't certain what the differences are, exploring those concepts may be a good start toward identifying what you're feeling.

An aside on feelings -- I've heard people say things like "jealousy absolutely does not belong in a polyamorous / non-monogamous relationship" or (even worse) "more evolved people don't feel jealousy." Hi, I call bullshit! When it comes to the idea that feeling -- or not feeling -- certain emotions indicates a "more evolved" person, don't get me started. I don't believe for one second that certain humans are more physiologically "evolved" than others, and you can't measure any other kind of evolution objectively, so it's a moot point. My subjective experience is that when people start throwing around terms like "evolved" in reference to relationships or individuals, they probably have an agenda that some people are better than others. As for judgments on what feelings are okay or not okay, I don't believe that ANY feeling is "not okay." There's a big difference between feelings and actions -- and expressing one's feelings is an action, by the way. If a feeling must be expressed, it's best when done in a mature, responsible, considerate manner. But there is nothing wrong with jealousy.

Let me repeat that for emphasis: There is nothing wrong with jealousy. Or anger. Or desire. Or any emotion whatsoever. But just as it's not okay to express your anger by striking your partner nonconsensually, or express your sexual desire by having sex with them without their consent, it's not okay to express your jealousy in ways that hurt others. And -- just as it's not okay to stand by and do nothing when you see someone strike another person nonconsensually, or having sex with another without their consent -- it's not okay to stand by and do nothing when a person expresses jealousy in a hurtful, rude, or mean way toward another. Especially if that other is someone you love!

But if you take responsibility for your own emotions, and express them without hurting anyone, and don't expect or imply that you want anyone else to "fix" a situation which triggers certain emotions in you, and do your best to ensure the actions which reflect your feelings aren't causing anyone grief, then you're doing all you can do. Emotions can't be magically resolved through actions, but over time, the right choices in your actions can help resolve emotions you dislike within yourself.

I'm perfectly comfortable with envy, which I define as "also wanting what someone else has," because being envious doesn't take away from, or harm, another. It can even be a great motivator -- Joe Blow down the street has a nifty new convertible, and I'd like one too, so I'm going to put forth the effort to get a promotion at work so I can afford to get a nifty new car myself! But that's a far cry from deciding that I'm going to express my feelings by destroying Joe's car, or stealing it, or otherwise behaving negatively. Envy doesn't automatically trigger destructive impulses or tendencies; jealousy usually does.

Jealousy is really quite different from envy; "jealous" is defined by Miriam-Webster as meaning "intolerant of rivalry" or "hostile toward a rival" or "vigilant in guarding a possession." Wow, intolerance and hostility and possessiveness -- no wonder it's frowned upon! But keep in mind a key word there: rival. Does unhealthy rivalry have anyplace in polyamory? I'm thinking not. So if someone is aggressively and/or deliberately rivalling you for something, I would have to say that jealousy in that instance could be a giant tip-off that another person is trying to stir up shit for you (and previous experience has taught me that this is often the case)! Jealousy can spark nasty offensive behavior, but the emotion of jealousy is often a defensive emotion which can act as a vivid warning sign. It can be a clue to help you see what is causing you to feel you are being manuevered out of the way and that you or another person in the relationship is allowing that to continue, so that you can make better choices about your actions and reactions.

The emotion of jealousy can sometimes also be interpreted as the desire/feeling of wanting someone not to have what they have. This isn't necessarily jealousy, but resentment mixed in with other feelings. In thinking back to occasions when I admitted that I was feeling "jealous," I very definitely recognize that there were aspects of resentment, insecurity, loneliness, selfishness, and/or injured pride involved most of the time. And I noticed a funny thing...the only times when I have genuinely felt that I wanted to deprive someone of something were when there was an unwillingness -- on either my part or another's -- to resolve issues without compromise or sacrifice on someone's part, and I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions/choices in refusing to tolerate a situation which was making me unhappy. As I said above, making poor choices in reaction to a situation or other people's actions. Jealousy can be reflected in the nasty old attitude of, "If I can't have it, I don't want you to have it, either," but that attitude is not the most common explanation.

How I Handle Jealousy
I personally see jealousy as a sign that someone's choices -- whether mine, or another's -- are possibly poor choices. The reason for this is that I believe that all so-called "negative" emotions -- including anxiety, anger, fear, and most other emotions which people are largely uncomfortable with -- are a warning sign from within yourself that there may be a possible threat in your environment. Whether or not that threat actually exists, and is real and rational, is another matter. After all, there are plenty of phobias which have no rational basis (mine is fear of dragonflies), but just because something is rationally nothing to fear doesn't make a person's feelings of fear or anxiety any less real! So if you're feeling jealousy, and you don't like it, the best thing to do about that is to explore exactly why you're feeling it. Most people, quite frankly, can't be bothered by the effort that takes. They don't want to solve the issue of jealousy so much as they just want the jealous feelings to go away, and usually the easiest way to accomplish that is to get rid of the trigger of their jealousy. That doesn't work in polyamory -- or at least, it doesn't work any better than it does in monogamy! It also doesn't treat the root problem (an unhappiness with a situation), only the symptoms (jealous feelings). But getting to the root of the matter can be rather uncomfortable, take a lot of self-honesty, and may give you an answer you'd just as soon ignore -- because the root of the matter is more likely to be an issue within yourself than from another person or situation. And when a problem comes from within, it takes a lot of courage to confront, conquer, and/or accept it. Whether or not you choose to do that has a lot more to do with your success in relationships than you might imagine.

But when the root cause of specific jealous feelings isn't from within, but rather is triggered by a situation where someone is unwilling to resolve a problem and you're tolerating the resulting situation (which makes you unhappy), the solution is to take positive and decisive action. Sometimes that means altering or ending a relationship, and that's not something to be taken lightly, but being frozen by indecision and/or being miserable by others' refusal to resolve issues and/or being resentful of all that is a much more dysfunctional choice than standing up for yourself and taking positive action to resolve the issue.

More on Relationship Expectations
Any additional partner of either one of us would very definitely have to accept that a profound level of commitment with him/her wasn't likely, unless they happened to be willing to become part of our existing family and nurture a strong friendship with both of us, since it would take both our blessings before either of us could make a commitment to another partner (which would, in practice, be a commitment agreed upon between the three of us). If either of us does develop a Serious Relationship with someone else, we have a general set of expectations about behaviors in committed relationships (as well as the usual expectations of everyday interactions with other people, in any context -- everyone has those expectations, whether they consciously acknowledge it or not!). We're both willing to negotiate expectations to some extent (we've had to be, to make our relationship work!), and willing to make healthy compromises for the most part, but hopefully our expectations will mesh fairly well with the expectations of another with whom either of us develops that level of relationship.

I honestly don't care who my partners have sex with -- because I know my current partners won't make stupid choices which would cause anyone grief! I always want to know if one of my partners becomes sexually involved with someone new, of course (we do not do "don't ask, don't tell" and we don't date those who do), but who he pounces is his call. Anyone who wants to casually date my primary partner is certainly his call; I don't monopolize his time to the point that he can't go off and hang out with friends or casual dates without my company. If it's more than "just" a sexual friendship, though, my stake in the situation goes a bit further. If a relationship beyond casual dating starts to evolve, I do have some expectations about how that will proceed once the decisions made by my partner and his other partner start to impact my life. (And, of course, my secondary partner's relationship choices aren't something I have any say in, beyond that of a caring friend's opinion and my own decisions about whether the other relationship choices he makes will impact the relationship between him & I to the point that I might reevaluate our romantic relationship.)

Anyone who desires more than a casual dating relationship with my primary partner will, first and foremost, have to accept and be comfortable with his commitment to me, and the family we have built, coming before his relationship to her -- unless she develops a commitment to us both, and we all become co-primaries to one another. That doesn't mean she would be treated as "second place" or be disrespected in any way -- in fact, I'd be furious with my primary if he actively treated anyone that way. But it would mean that she can't expect to have more of his undivided time and attention than he and I are willing to give up between the two of us. That point leads me right to the next: anyone who wants to be more than a casual relationship to my primary will have to be interested in, and genuinely pursuing, a relationship of some kind with me. This doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, by any means, as I am less bisexual than "heteroflexible." What it does mean, however, is that she has to understand, accept, and be comfortable with the fact that there can be no such thing as an important relationship just between him and her (namely, because neither he nor I are willing to give up the amount of his time that it would take for him to develop and maintain an important relationship elsewhere without my participation).

If this doesn't sound especially fair or friendly, ask yourself this: Would you want to be involved with someone who has so little regard for his previously-established commitments that he's eager to give you the status of "Serious Commitment" or "co-primary partner" when you've only shared a brief amount of time of dating? If someone does that, what does it say about their relationship with their established primary partner, and how they treat that person? Does this suggest a lot of solidarity, respect, and honoring of commitments between the previously-established couple, and does it suggest that you will be treated any differently? Remember that old saying that "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it"? Well, there's another old saying that any woman whose married lover leaves his wife for her is a fool if she believes that man won't cheat on her eventually, and possibly leave her for another woman too (change genders as needed). While polyamory means that an otherwise-committed person won't be cheating (unless they're not being honest with their partners about what they do with other people!), how a person treats their current partner(s) is a pretty good indication of how you will be treated if you get involved with that person.

More on Sex!
In the past, both my primary partner and I have, at times, been made to feel unwelcome or unable to enter an area where one of us was alone with an additional partner. That's really not okay, not loving, not respectful, and not acceptable. Since then, my primary and I have decided that if a similar situation starts to occur, those who wish to be alone in private with one another need to take the initiative to ensure that happens in a time & place which doesn't impinge upon the other person. In practice, what this usually means is that dates (and sexual activity) between one of us and another partner take place only at our home when the other primary isn't there, or otherwise they occur elsewhere. As I've (not-at-all jokingly) said in the past, a date between me and a boyfriend is not a date between me and a boyfriend when there's another woman along! It's either a date between him & her, with me along as a friend, or it's not a date between any combination of any of us.

The open communication in our relationships can (and often does) include frank discussion of the sexual aspects of our relationships, so anyone desiring a serious relationship with either me or my primary partner would have to be comfortable with that, as well. My primary sometimes enjoys including BDSM in his erotic relationships; I have no interest in BDSM, but do have what some people might consider "kinky tendencies" -- but I don't generally engage in anything non-vanilla unless I have a deep emotional intimacy and some level of commitment with a partner.

Speaking of BDSM, my standard joke is that my safeword is, "You and what fucking army?!" (Alternatively, "I don't fucking think so!") While I'm entirely comfortable with cheerfully ignoring what others do in their personal involvements, I have a serious revulsion toward any kind of adult interaction involving myself -- sexual or otherwise -- which incorporates another person dominating me, or requires my domination of another person. As for pain, my personal belief is that pain is nature's way of saying, "Stop doing that!" and I won't incorporate pain into sexual activities (if an activity hurts me, it's no longer sex!). My primary partner and I don't discuss his activities in BDSM for very simple reasons: I believe he knows enough about it to practice it safely, and I believe that he would advise me immediately about any activity which could have exposed him to any kind of STD, and therefore I don't need to know anything else about it. This is a very profound level of trust between us, since (due to HIV and other incurable STDs) it absolutely means that I am placing my life and health literally in his hands. My primary and I have earned that level of trust with one another, and I wouldn't condone granting that much trust to anyone who hasn't earned it.

To Conclude
It's probably clear that I'm not impressed with the way that some people who call themselves "polyamorous" handle their relationships, and I find it hypocritical that many of them are inconsistent and/or wishy-washy in their boundaries or expectations -- especially when there are different rules for different people in the same relationship, which I personally find detestable in any relationship between two or more adults. If I had a dollar for every poly M/F couple where the rule was "We can both sleep with other women" but the female half of the couple isn't allowed anywhere near a penis other than the one belonging to the male half of the couple, I could pay at least my electric bill, if not my rent! My reaction when I meet that type is, "How nice." (If you haven't heard the joke that's from, let me know and I'll tell it to you.)

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