ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR DEITY?
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
- How did you find out about your Deity?
_____ Newspaper
_____ Bible
_____ Torah
_____ Book of Mormon
_____ Koran
_____ Divine inspiration
_____ Dead Sea Scrolls
_____ My mama done told me
_____ Near-death experience
_____ Near-life experience
_____ National Public Radio
_____ Tabloid
_____ Burning shrubbery
_____ Gum ball machine
_____ Skinny dipping
_____ Struck by lightning
_____ Tried to sacrifice son
_____ God's grace
_____ Wet puppy's nose
_____ Dialing for dollars
_____ CheezeWiz commercial
_____ Fortune cookie
_____ Other (specify) _____________
- Which model Deity did you acquire?
_____ Yahweh
_____ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pack)
_____ Jehovah
_____ Jesus
_____ Krishna
_____ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pack)
_____ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pack)
_____ Allah
_____ Satan
_____ Shiva
_____ Buddha
_____ Zoroaster
_____ Bob
_____ Godot
_____ Allu'bob
_____ Freebird
_____ Clapton
_____ Tooth Fairy
_____ Demi Moore
_____ Astral Entity
_____ Ra/Thoth, etc (Egypt Pack)
_____ Channeled Entity
_____ Santa Claus
_____ Golden calf
_____ Phallus
_____ Quan Yin
_____ Great Spirit
_____ Godzilla
_____ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
_____ The Almighty Dollar
_____ Mick Jagger
_____ Bill Gates
_____ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
_____ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
_____ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
- Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
_____ Yes
_____ No (If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply.)
_____ Not eternal
_____ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
_____ Not omniscient
_____ Not omnipotent
_____ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
_____ Permits sex outside of marriage
_____ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
_____ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
_____ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
_____ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
_____ Requires burnt offerings
_____ Requires virgin sacrifices
_____ Plays dice with the universe
_____ Couldn't raise kundalini or open third eye
_____ Calculated karmic debts incorrectly
_____ Missing eternal peace and happiness
_____ Couldn't part the sea
_____ Didn't walk on water
_____ No Self-control
_____ Ego still intact
_____ Didn't breath fire
_____ Wore leisure suit
_____ Spewed dogma
_____ Not immaculate
_____ Missing ten arms
_____ Lacked sense of humor
_____ Bad sense of timing
_____ Lacked overall vision and perspective
_____ Too post-modern
_____ Outdated
_____ Too manipulative and vindictive
- What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
_____ Indoctrinated by parents
_____ Needed a reason to live
_____ Spiritually thirsty
_____ Indoctrinated by society
_____ Seen all the Simpsons reruns
_____ Saw Her on the bus
_____ Needed focus in whom to despise
_____ Liked having friends in High places
_____ Imaginary friend grew up
_____ Figured out the secret to the Universe
_____ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
_____ Graduated from the tooth fairy
_____ Existential crisis
_____ Got sick of being cynical and negative
_____ Hate to think for myself
_____ Wanted to explore the Universe
_____ Wanted to meet girls/boys
_____ Appreciated Nature's artwork
_____ Fear of death
_____ Heard angel wings
_____ Wanted to piss-off parents
_____ Past life memory
_____ Needed a day off work
_____ Got a signal from the Collective Unconscious
_____ Desperate need for certainty
_____ Had spontaneous awakening
_____ Like organ music
_____ On a mission
_____ Need to feel morally superior
_____ Materialistic viewpoint was destoring the earth
_____ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
_____ Needed tax break
_____ Wanted to reduce karmic debt
_____ Chakras started vibrating
_____ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
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If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by May 1 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).
© 1999-2004 B.C. Brown, 831 Park Avenue, #3, South Bend, IN 46616 (574) 234-1474
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