Religious Jokes--Pagan & Other Faiths
A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Afterward, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on his door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as "Mary with the Cherry."
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Q--What's the best thing about a Pagan
lover?
A--He already worships the ground you walk on!
Q--What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
A--Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Q--Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A--He sold his soul to Santa.
Q--What do you call 13 Witches in a hot-tub?
A--A self-cleaning coven.
Q--What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Druid?
A--Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Q--What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Druid mathematician?
A--Someone who worships the square root
of the tree that is not there.
Q--What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Druid veterinarian?
A--Someone who worships the bark of the
tree that is not there.
Q--What's the difference between a Pagan and a New Ager?
A--One decimal point; what a Pagan charges you $20 for, a New Ager will charge $200!
Q--What is a Witch's favorite dinner?
A--Pan pizza!
Q--How do you scare a Unitarian Universalist out of your neighborhood?
A--Burn a question mark on their lawn.
Q--What's one thing you never have to worry about?
A--Your airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians.
Q--What do you call a club for unattached Witches?
A--Craft singles.
Back to Pagan Humor