Pagan Yule Party Planner
(or, Introducing your Relatives to Your New Religion)
Author unknown;
email me if you know who wrote this so I can give due credit

So, you've decided to take control of your life--congratulations. As any new ager worth his crystal dust will tell you, those damn Christians stole the pagans' winter solstice celebration and renamed it Christmas. Take back that pagan holiday!

Invitations--Send invites two weeks before the winter solstice. Invites should tell guests when (around December 21; consult your lunar calendar--what?! you don't have one?!!); where (in your backyard or a forest clearing); and what to wear (horns and fur). Think pagan when designing the invitations--use real pieces of leaf or bark, or maybe write the invites in blood.

Decorations--Dress up your backyard or the local forest clearing with all the fixings that make pagans feel at home--an altar, candles, incense, bones, rocks, and other magical items. To stave off the darkness (and rodents), build a gigantic bonfire.

Ice Breakers--You'll have to provide ice breakers to ensure everyone will mix, because your Uncle Joe probably doesn't know your best friend Jill. Why not have them become fast friends over a nice ritual slaughter?

Refreshments--Pagans were simple folk; offer simple drinks like grog, and snacks of fruit, bread, and roasted meats. You may choose to pass out consciousness-altering substances like psilocybin mushrooms, but keep in mind your aunt's bladder-control problems.

Entertainment--All pagan rituals need a focal point--have each guest toss an offering into the fire (remember, it's more blessed-be to give than receive), and invite everyone to join in a ritual dance that involves writhing and groping. Pass out all manner of musical instruments--lutes, drums, nose flutes, kazoos--and encourage guests to play until dawn.

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